I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.

Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.

I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

Television is the box they buried entertainment in.