The firm is really ahead of the times. It has a stock market ticker that prints its report on thin aspirins.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top.

Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.

One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.