Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don't worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it.

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.

Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it's also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.

With today's movies, if we took out all the bad language, we'd go back to silent films.