Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it's also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!

I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole.