I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.

I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

If they liked you, they didn't applaud -- they let you live.