Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.

Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you're God's frozen people.

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...

Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.

Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don't worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it.