The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.

My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent for that.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.