As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it's obsolete."

Television. That's where movies go when they die.

Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at the same time.

On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.