Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

I can't understand what's holding up our missile program. It's the first time the government ever had trouble making the taxpayers' money go up in smoke.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.

I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.