Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

The firm is really ahead of the times. It has a stock market ticker that prints its report on thin aspirins.

You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

Every Naval vessel has a contingent of Marines aboard. After all, the Sailors have to have someone to dance with.

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies