Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.

I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.