I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.