Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Every Naval vessel has a contingent of Marines aboard. After all, the Sailors have to have someone to dance with.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.