Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.

I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes.

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

I've been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.