Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?