My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

I can't understand what's holding up our missile program. It's the first time the government ever had trouble making the taxpayers' money go up in smoke.

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.