Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole.

I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way, you'll promise her anything.

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.