Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

It's amazing how many people you see on TV. I did my first television show a month ago, and the next day five million television sets were sold. The people who couldn't sell theirs threw them away.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.