Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

I can still chase women, only downhill

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.