All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.

Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.

I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there.

I get upset over a bad shot just like anyone else. But it's silly to let the game get to you. When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I'm breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That's what gives me the strength to break the club.

The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.

Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for.