You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.

The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.

Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.