Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way, you'll promise her anything.

Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.

A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.