Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.