The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

Whenever I play with him , I usually try to make it a foursome - the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.

As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

When you get over 95, every day is your day.