On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

I tell jokes to pay my green fees.

The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.