Bing Crosby and I play a lot of golf together and I have a small course at my place where we often play for side stakes. The only troulbe is that when I win, I always have to engage and attorney before I can draw the money.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I'm from Los Angeles... I don't trust any air I can't see.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.