President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.

Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you're God's frozen people.

My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy said the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days - whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.