I tell jokes to pay my green fees.

The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.

I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there.

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.

In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.