The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.

After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove his programs down Congress' throat, nobody can.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.

He was bare chested and in good trim. I said that just looking at him I knew there would always be an England

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.