The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.

Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!

I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.

We're on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It's a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.

It was a great honour to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I didn't know they had a caddie division.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.