The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.

It flies so high, I swear I heard the organs playing.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

If they liked you, they didn't applaud -- they let you live.

I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, 'What do I do next?' Pat replied, 'Wait till the pain dies down.'

Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.