My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.

Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.