I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.

On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

I get upset over a bad shot just like anyone else. But it's silly to let the game get to you. When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I'm breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That's what gives me the strength to break the club.