My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.

Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

I can't understand what's holding up our missile program. It's the first time the government ever had trouble making the taxpayers' money go up in smoke.

You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.