Titleist has offered me a big contract not to play its balls.

Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it's obsolete."

The home videos aren't as good, but they are seeming to get better.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.