If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don't worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it.

The firm is really ahead of the times. It has a stock market ticker that prints its report on thin aspirins.

I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.

On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.