I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

He was bare chested and in good trim. I said that just looking at him I knew there would always be an England

I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes.

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

Your ignorance cramps my conversation