I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them.

As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

I've been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.

With today's movies, if we took out all the bad language, we'd go back to silent films.