Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.

Audiences are my best friends. You never tire of talking with your best friends.

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.

I tell jokes to pay my green fees.