One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.

Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.

Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.

Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "

Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.