Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.