You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.

Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.

After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove his programs down Congress' throat, nobody can.

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

That's life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.