You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.

It sure has been a pleasure for us to broadcast for the sailors and soldiers; besides, its part of the National Defence Program to prepare our boys for anything.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.