Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.