My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now