My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.