You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"
Bob MonkhouseThey all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Bob MonkhousePersonally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
Bob MonkhouseDulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
Bob MonkhouseAlthough I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
Bob MonkhouseA miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
Bob MonkhouseI told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
Bob MonkhouseMy wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
Bob MonkhouseMy wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'
Bob MonkhouseI was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
Bob MonkhouseA tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
Bob MonkhouseThe last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
Bob MonkhouseI'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
Bob Monkhouse