I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!