What do gardeners do when they retire?

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.