I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.