I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.