Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.