My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.