My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

What do gardeners do when they retire?

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.