I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.