I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.