I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.