My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.