My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.