My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.