My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.