My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!