Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.