Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.