Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!