My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.