My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.