I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

I got my start in silent radio.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'