I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.