I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.